Week in Gaming: 16 massive E3 predictions that we really hope come true ~ lotfi

Have you heard the news? E3 2015 is kicking off in just a few hours! But what do we expect to see? It's a great question that, oddly, nobody else on the internet seems to have an opinion on - so allow us to step in.

There's just one problem: we don't actually know what's going to happen. So we've taken a stab at some stuff that might go down. We promise £100 to every reader for each one of these things that comes true. We haven't had this agreed with by our publisher, so we really hope they're not reading this.

Oculus Rift is exposed to be nothing more than a joke that went too far

"It started when we stuck some binoculars on my friend Steve," reveals Oculus founder and wonderkid Palmer Luckey. "He thought he was actually up a mountain. What a chump! So anyway it gave us this idea and we ended up making some tech in my shed that was kinda cool for porn. But nobody's really doing anything. John Carmack just sits around coming up with Dangerous Dave sequel names and I spend most of my time doing what I love most in the world: white water rafting." He confirms that the Oculus Rift won't ever launch and that they only announced an early 2016 announce date to shut the press up.

Andrew House isn't real

He was two beavers in a suit the whole time. The illusion is shattered when one of the EVE devs tries to put Project Morpheus on House's head and he literally falls apart on stage.

Nintendo announce that its new Link character is actually a horse

Haha! You thought that human in the trailer was the main character? That's just Jeremy the stablehand. The real star of Zelda Wii U is the horse. You play as the horse. You will have magical horsey adventures across the land of Hyrule, solving dungeon puzzles and fighting big wolf zombies with nothing but your hooves and a good, solid headbutt or two. It will be titled Legend of Zelda: Wizard Horse.

Nintendo announces it's quitting games and entering the paddling pool business

"It's a lucrative market and frankly we don't know why we didn't do this sooner. Seriously, do you know what the margins are like on these bad boys? Screw the lot of you" - Reggie File-Aime, president of Nintendo America.

Xbox One's exclusive Tomb Raider deal will last just 15 minutes

Microsoft Studios head Phil Spencer announces that Rise of the Tomb Raider is available RIGHT NOW and urges gamers to download it before it becomes available on PS4 just moments later. "Come on, come on, go, go go!" He looks at his watch anxiously. "Hurry up. HURRRRY."

Konami brings Kojima on to the stage, turns out it's just a sock puppet

"Everything is totally fine and I looooove Konami," squeaks the Koj puppet, attached to the hand of some poor Konami intern in a black morph suit. "Nothing has gone wrong to sour our professional relationship and if any of my games have been abruptly cancelled, it's totally because I just changed my mind about them! Teehee!" The audience is enthralled/totally convinced/confused/enraged (delete as necessary) and storms the stage, flinging Koj puppet into the crowd and chanting "Silent Hills! Silent Hills!" as the Konami PRs slowly soil themselves backstage.

Microsoft's press conference pretty much turns into a Rammstein concert

Following the success of last year's twinkly wristbands during the trailer for Ori And The Blind Forest, Microsoft attempt to ramp it up with this year's Rise of the Tomb Raider by throwing lit flares into the audience during the gameplay demo. This has the unforeseen consequences of everyone in the audience being both unable to see the trailer and also unable to breathe. Subsequent writeups include headlines like "Rise of the Tomb Raider looks a lot like the inside of my barbecue" and "ACK ACK HRGHH CKKHH CKKHHHH".

Sony abandons the Vita entirely and stars making fun of it

"For those who love games, there's the PS4, " says Andrew House in his opening statement at the Sony press conference. "For anyone who doesn't like games, there's the PS VITA! Am I right or am I right!?" He proceeds to pull a PS Vita out of his pocket and throws it off the side of the stage. The audience isn't sure whether to cheer or boo.

Later in the conference a publisher mentions the Vita again and House runs back on stage, yells "More like the ViTANIC! BRRRRMMMMM" and pretends he's a sinking ship.

The PC 2 is announced

"Why do Xbox and PlayStation and Nintendo get to have all the fun?" asks Gabe Newell in a Gabe Newell t-shirt and matching crown. "We have new stuff too. Like… The PC 2! It has two screens, can run two games at once, AND it comes with extra buttons to press - one of which just sends out an email to everyone you've ever known proclaiming how much better you are than them. Apple have been doing it for years!"

All of the games on the Nintendo E3 generator come true

It was a publicity stunt all along! Expect to be playing games like The Legend of Zelda: Diamond of Banana, Boring Decision U and Star Fox Spinach by 2016, and get your preorders in for Palestinian Salad Collection on 3DS and Confident Goat on Wii U - all with special edition Amiibo. "Confident Goat promises to be the new Super Mario," says Reggie Fils-Aime, with the sort of confidence we can only imagine a goat having.

A special conference is held just to bait angry misogynistic gamers

It's going to be called "Why We're Only Making Games For Women From Now On, And Why Men Suck And Smell Really Bad". It's basically a trap: everyone who attends gets a free temporary phallus tattoo on their foreheads, and everyone who heckles gets their shoes confiscated. Soon, a makeshift hierarchy is formed, where the shoeless remain shoeless and those of us with shoes begin to make them more and more elaborate, just to prove some kind of point about not being a colossal idiot about women.

Fallout 4's graphics look average because it's cross-platform with mobile

"Er," says the head of Bethesda, cornered by a rather angry-looking mob wielding actual torches and pitchforks. Perhaps they shouldn't have given those out at the start, he thinks. Bit of a PR stunt backfire.

Women get expelled from games forever

No one quite knew what was happening until it happened: a largeish group of shoeless men swept the conference hall like a group of prisoners looking for rubbish. The prison? Video games. The rubbish? FEMALES. It wasn't long until every single woman in the building was escorted out by the shoeless brigade and told to never come back, ever. Thank GOD. Now we can stop making all those dang feminist games about how women shouldn't be abused or punched in the boobs or whatever.

"Exclusive" starts to lose all meaning

Turns out that this time, some over-enthusiastic PR intern told everyone that they were getting Sweaty Wrestleman 2016 exclusively on their platform. It's not his fault that he didn't understand, because no one really knows what "exclusive" means when it comes to games. Exclusive for precisely 60 seconds before it comes out on the other console? Exclusive box with limited edition Sweaty Wrestleman scratch-n-sniff cover? Exclusive extra mode where Sweaty Wrestleman has to visit his grandmother's grave? The ensuing exclusivity-fuelled kerfuffle leaves 18 dead.

No games are revealed

Everyone was sort of hoping that everyone else would announce all the games, and that they could just get by with some rehashed demoes. Maybe release a new headset or a different colour of light-up keyboard if they were feeling bored. But no - everyone was bluffing! Sony hurriedly releases a press statement saying "oh - uh - we sort of thought Ubisoft would take this"; Ubisoft quickly retaliates with "excuse us, but we've release A BILLION Assassin's Creeds, I think we're allowed the year off." Nintendo shrugs, saying "eh, no one expected us to do much anyway."

Angry Birds gets a dark and gritty reboot

Finally, the origin story we've been clamouring for. "People like Angry Birds but nobody knows WHY they're angry," the lead developer of Birds explains. "They were pretty chill guys at first but I'll tell ya, seeing your first born killed by a pig in a spacesuit. I mean, they're cute, but yeah, that'll f**k you up."